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Obscene Messages and Visits
| Article
# : |
13598 |
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Section : |
LIFE
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| Issue
Date : |
4 / 1988 |
1,456 Words |
| Author
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Kathryn N. Hardin
Kathryn Hardin's humor articles first appeared nationwide
thirty years ago. This Arkansas grandmother draws on her
life, past and present, for her current anecdotes. |
The new year stared off with an obscene postcard from a friend, and it went downhill from there.
The morning the card arrived I was sitting in front of the fireplace with my foot elevated to relieve the throbbing of my little toe, which I had injured while stumbling around in the dark earlier that morning--the electricity had been off for several hours. There was a foot of snow on the ground and the pipes were frozen in the upstairs bathroom.
The mail carrier was late, but he finally arrived in a four-wheel drive vehicle which got stuck in front of our house. My husband mushed down to get the mail and brought back an advertisement for aluminum siding and the card, which featured lots of sand and ocean and bikini-clad young women. The message read:
"Hi, you two! Roger and I have been here nearly a month now and we just love it! Our condo is right on the beach and we spend our time sunning and taking it easy. We think about you up there freezing your tootsies in the cold--(Ha!). Love ya, Joanie."
I haven't felt such resentment toward Joanie since she borrowed my twin sweater set and string of imitation pearls in college and got ketchup on the sweaters and lost my pearls.
I also get obscene phone calls--mostly from my cleaning woman. When I answer the phone I hear heavy breathing and a husky voice say something like, "I'm going to visit my daughter in St. Louis. I'll see you next month." Click.
The Freaky Five
I receive obscene letters, too. Recently one came from my old friend Mary Lou relating her grandson's good fortune. He was spending the summer in Vienna with his college's choral group.
That in itself wasn't necessarily obscene. The obscenity stemmed from the fact that my eldest grandson had visited that morning to inform us of his plans to drop out of school and join the Freaky Five, a heavy-metal rock group. He also wanted to borrow my black kimono with the red dragon on the back and my gold hoop earrings for his Boy George routine at Bad Bo's Bar. (Ah, well, who know, some day Mary Lou's grandson might want his autograph.)
Mary Lou has been
...
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